Paint My Love

2010-10-04T18:08:00.004+08:00

Just spotted someone hasnt been blogging just like me..
No wonder she hasnt been dating me and now she is forgiven :p
I cant wait to catch up on her life and the things she have learnt.
Though the current job gave me some satisfaction in life but i stayed stagnant not learning things outside the job ever since graduation unlike my dearies.
Henceforth the stupid dilemnas.. to lead an exciting life or a laidback, satisfactory one.

Anw, after a prolonged.. procrastination, i've finally decided to grab some reads.. and those are Nicholas Spark's The Notebook and Dear John.
Im in high anticipation for the 2 books to be a gd read!

Lately havent been doing much just trying to accustom myself to the role that i had always wanted to challenge myself in assuming and finally when it is given to me, i feel that i dun really want it.
The feeling is kinda like *shrugs* proven i've been there done that - enough and i can move on.
There's lotsa responsibility to undertake, a guiding role and most importantly, you get penalised for mistakes others made cos u didnt prevent the mistakes from happening.
I do not have time for jokes, laughters and replying of smses as compared to my previous role - accountability solely just on ur own overlooking or ur JOs.

Late 1 yr, life has been full of dilemnas.. in whatever you do or things that havent happened or is going to happen.
I dunno why.. is that sign of ageing or growing up.
Life used to be a straight route up to 2 yrs ago. Study, work and travel.
Nevertheless, life has never been smooth sailing.
I could have thoughts like.. thank god my parents sent me to sch.. they sacrificed so much of their lives for me which resulted in me having a relatively good job and not having to wash dishes/collect dishes like some foreign teenagers in food courts.
Yet what i could do for them is so limited.
Then i would think can i possibly do the same if i were to be in their position 1 day :(

I wan to visit Sweden, NYC, Tokyo and Australia! There are just so many places i wanna go!!!

2010-08-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

In the passage of growing up, we become less complete.
Even if you managed to find the ultimate anchor point, somewhere along the way, bits and pieces of you would have flaked off and be left with some others whom you have interacted/encountered prior to this one.

A part of you is left with X.
Sometimes you can only recollect in solitary.
It's just special and melancholy.

It is a bit sad.
As much as one is selfish and hope for his or her partner to stay whole, it is in fact impossible unless you are his or her first.

Still, cheers to life and good health. :)

2010-07-06T02:19:00.002+08:00

My dearest.
Always stood by me.
No matter how many freaking times i failed or hurt him to the core.
I tried imagining being treated the way i had treated him.. i can only close my eyes.
No one and i mean NO ONE will ever or has been the harbour he had prepared himself to be for me.
I'm sorry for being juvenile.
As i said, last shift was a horror and having been overworked and having someone to just glaze at you in silence, giving you a tight grasp, stroking your hair at the end of the terrifying day.. together with your fav drink & a baby for you to rest in..
All these, without any grudges and in full willingness.. it just says it all.
I felt so peaceful and sheltered.

I noe i am significant to you.
The distance i sometimes displayed are just ways of telling you i am unsure, and i dont want to hurt you anymore if i were to fail you again.
I rather close the gap between the happiness and the shock that might come in future.
There are just so many concerns on my mind.
I just wish that all the problems will go away and there are so many places in the world i wanna explore!
I want to have the walls full of the photos of where we will step on if these days do come.
Most importantly, i don't want to see you getting hurt or not being able to rest/eat well as a result of me as you will always be my dearie.

The dinner with xiao di at simon plaza was pretty fruitful.
He is a real sweet gentleman as usual - highly recommended. :p
We had some good debates on various perspectives about life.
It was real fun to be able to push him to the corner during the countering and he no longer managed to guard against his stand. Hehe.
And of cos there are some dark secrets which i managed to yield from the session as well.
We shall have it again alright hopefully this time round everything would be back to normal.

I hope the best for you gal.
It's a crisis to face, be strong.

2010-06-23T01:19:00.002+08:00

Back to shift after a good 1 week bdae break.. keke :)
It's weird that when you are not at it, you'll miss operations.
The excitement, the sense of achievement and control over your show, the stress/ability to have the stamina to keep up your good show for 8 straight hours.
I do love my job although when you have a lousy shift i swear you'll curse like nobody's biz.
That's why everyone whom works here only hopes that the day will be 平安顺利. :)
Nothing else matters more than to go through rate/productivity enquiries esp if you dunno what went wrong/it's destined to go wrong but no one wld accept that kind of explanation &/or to encounter suay incidents.
Argh.

Today was teamed with JT and Jimmy.
It was a fun shift.. ops itself wasnt exactly fun per se.. but the team mocked and laughed at each other.
Esp after JT got a mosquito bite on his face..
We could make jokes out of one another.. and the both of them when at 'loggerheads' would fight over asking me to LD the other.

Some loots~ recently hehe..
As you grow, the things across your entire self.. be it wants or needs is so much of a hell lot.
Consumerism totally overwhelmed.
There is always something made on the list to get. :p
Just that sometimes, rationale /mood of the day would pull you back to check on what's left to meeting ends meet till payday. :p

I wanna learn piano again.
I hope i can at least try some dance.
I also wanna take up Jap!
Lately i have been thinking.. how do we grow wisdom?
It's tricky and difficult.
You cant wise overnight.
You cant just read some books and decided you r knowledgeable enough tmr.
I am still figuring.

2010-06-19T17:52:00.003+08:00

有一千，一万个对不起想对你说。
伤你的简直毁了你。
以为你了解`以为你懂。
我已经没什么好说的。
因为所有的错都在于我。
就算原谅也不能得到任何宽恕。
你的大量已经忍人所不能忍。
欠你的实在太多。

2010-06-17T03:37:00.002+08:00

Painful and heartfelt.
Numbed and breathless.
All the strength within me is being withdrawn.

I wished 1 day soon i could post something happy over here.
That i could move on.
But i couldnt help having that hogging force pulling me back and the presence of some resistance halting me forward.
I could neither move forward or backward.
I stood on the spot for this long.
I wonder when the dynamics will shift.

To date.
I felt horrible.
I need to apologize to those that i have hurt.
Those specific ones.
For my selfishness.

Will you forgive me?
I noe 我这一辈子都不会忘记你也不能放下你。
I don't know if im just lost or i am totally not ready.
我知道我已经很难被宽恕了。

2010-06-12T17:28:00.003+08:00

Tsk.. just did another swapping of operator incident.
是硬着头皮做的. :(
Cant remember when was the last time i did that since these 2 incidents.
Most likely a yr ago when i was a newbie.
Honestly, the feeling sucks.
But on the other hand, i hope the one who was being asked to go up and replace someone else felt that he is finally recognised and was chosen with the confidence to sail the vessel at a high rate with the preference over others.
:)
加油喔!

Cant wait to finish up this week.. seems like there is gg to be a lot of fun stuff coming along.

Of coz, would like to thank my gal for traveling down to visit me, cook for me and be there for me.
I noe that is so not bin lor.
Precisely that's why im super touched！
Hope everything pulls through for you too!
Since the decision is made, you can only wish for your close ones to understand and push through with what you ought to do while you are still young.
:)
I totally admire your courage.
*muacks*

2010-06-02T17:42:00.001+08:00

躲起来。
不要听。
面壁思过。

惩罚。
来临了。
原来之前只是台风到来前的平静。

伤。
好呆。
对一些人的抱歉。

闭上眼。
不知所措。
不可能释怀`不可能被赦。

不想醒来。
没人能懂。
越来越无法控制。

第一次有那么一点坚定的告诉自己是时候了。

2010-05-31T16:16:00.004+08:00

Having to choose the path in front of me... is heart wrenching.
Never has it come a time where such difficulty is encountered.
(p/s 无奈的伤感是很痛苦难受的。)
真心才会换来这样的艰难。
I don't want to think but i know time is running out.
Truly cared and felt for..
Why am i forced to face a choice?
:'(

很想逃避。
真得很想。
但却一直不停的不知所措。
每天一睁开眼的困扰没人能体会。
一个未来`一个最爱。

到底答案是什么？
好想有人告诉我人生的尽头会是怎样？
看一遍就好。
自己的路途是自己创造。
我讨厌这个说法。
因为我只想走一条为我铺好的路。

2010-05-19T23:49:00.002+08:00

Paths crossed.
Some stayed longer than others.
With some, we chose to walk closer.
Despite some being passer-bys, their leaving remained lingering and fond.
For some we do not hope for the day we part.
Nevertheless, it's eventually inevitable.

To all whom our paths had once crossed.. regardless of the duration and relations we were/are still in, it's a blessing and i loved you guys.

SiQiang is leaving.
No. 1 casualty from TPT.
Experienced some sadness.. he's a rather cool person.
I think we have talked less than 50 sentences since we met but he definitely has been a good acquintance.

Supper with El at West Coast Mac last night.
As per last time, he bought an extra set of mac wings for us.
And as we returned to those times having 'buddy' el around, we listened to all the pain he's experiencing after his post out.
It sounds really really bad.....
Thank god we still have lunch time over here.

There will be group rotations next month. :(
I enjoyed having ZH as my sdm.
Someone whom i know i can count on.
I had been given lots of room for discussion and having the freedom to play around my ideas is very important.
Ultimately, the shift is our show!

Glad i bought mum THE gift.
She still babbles about it.
Shall just end abruptly here.

P/s Dance me 'Sorry Sorry'!!!

2010-05-12T00:20:00.002+08:00

It's really difficult to get out of one's comfort zone.
I finally did it!
& it wasnt so bad for a start.. you could really spend hours at it~!
Just signed up at Cali with JL.
We went for combat class today!
It's beginner's class and we didnt really sweat alot but it was taxing at some point!
After all, it was really long since I did exercise in big groups like what we used to do in hall the mass work out day sort of thing..
It was at first hard to follow.. nervous.. but luckily the moves arent very very difficult.. you will just have to get the gist of it.. :)
1 point to note.. the class instructor for today is really cute! :p

Oh well, then we proceed to the treadmill and did some work outs on weights.
It's quite malu to be squatting there, reading the fine prints while figuring out how we should use the machines..
But luckily some guys took the initiatives to offer some help.

We are loving the classes and would be back for more!
Im gg to have muscle aches soon.. :(
It definitely feels good after a good sweat out!

We drove to PPT to pick EL yesterday.
I rmbed at one of my down times, i had asked ZH, do you still quarrel with your gf since you guys are really stable now?
Surprisingly he said yes..
It's surprising cos he is simply a good natured guy.
His answer at the end left a lasting impression on me.
'However, the feeling of getting back after a quarrel feels really good'
We all of cos know it's not really healthy.. but i totally understand his theory.
I had digressed a fair bit.
Meeting El gave me that sort of mood too..
It's weird to see the colleague i have known so long to be transferred out.
Understanding he's not doing so well there.
Tot abt us losing 1 month of working together as a good team.
Then now it's back to friends again.
I didnt really speak to him much.
It's not really necessary, since everyone is asking how has he been over there..
Wish ya the best idiot.

2010-04-28T01:03:00.003+08:00

Had a few funny encounters/episodes today.
Nothing really special but made the day a little different.

El is leaving. Or rather he left.
No matter what (damages) was done/had been done between us, i told him i was prepared to let bygones be bygones.
Just let the past pass, put it down and we can be really good friends just like we used to chat about everything during our inspection trips.
Im glad we did it. :)
We had a great lunch with Ji Ge, Jas, Zhen Hao and Chrys at Swensens today.
It was lots of fun digging fun at each others and digging at the sundaes.
We had fun attacking the salad bar, followed by tasting each others' food.
I missed the friendship and the old el with his stupid chuckles.
Before he left for PPT, im really glad the damage control was done and problems troubleshooted. :p

Received some confessions.
Some silly, some accusing, some comical.
At times i think as we get older, it's really getting very hard for us to trust others.
Even those really close to us.
I hate losing the innocence..
I hate doubting what people said.
What if they were truthful?
But what if they arent? I would be the one at the hurting end.
I don't want to.. but what if i missed out something all because of some unsubstantiated doubts?
The cycle never end..

Just done with Hi my sweetheart..
Simply love the drama.
Simple yet touching.
But very difficult to find such undying love lo ^^

2010-04-21T19:35:00.002+08:00

不管你谈过几次恋爱，爱过谁。。怎么感觉就终究会是一个人？

好想学会不依赖任何人。

一个人，会不会好一些？

会牵挂`担心一个人，好恐怖`好累喔。

每一个欢笑的点点滴滴就好像需要十倍的伤痛来偿还。

想要把与任何人的距离拉得远远的，却觉得假假对人不应该是活着的意义。

想要真心对人却怕自己会摔得很重。

对于你最亲密的另一半，失去了；是不是就代表这种关系根本就不长久？

闭上眼，想到我伤害过的人，衷心祝福。

在一起的真心，希望不要被磨灭。

每个无法揭晓的剧情，只能静静地抽离。。

这两年来寻找的答案，依然匿迹。

2010-03-21T14:26:00.003+08:00

This week was fun filled with the bffs!

Met wen wen on wed and lunching cum a calm & relaxing chatting out at NYDC.
For once i could only finish 1 slice of mushroom madness!
What's wrong with me?!
The new launch choc cake we shared was surprisingly nice and melted in my mouth.
The music they played are reminiscing.
I was surprised they werent playing those top hits where everywhere and everyone is playing.. but songs from the 'those days' like those from atomic kittens and such totally sets me into the ambience and screen-saver mode.
We talked abt life, abt JC friends and BGRs; abt each family members - updates on last updates abt them.
Time flies. And it's been 7 yrs since we first known each other and she was in her blue SCGS uniform while i was in my whites.
The boring literature and chinese classes we both attended, in the almost dilapidated classrooms.

Thereafter was the slow stroll to Tangs and Ion then Taka.
Had probably deprived myself from shopping for so long that the 2 hours walk was immediately taking effect on my bod.
My legs and body muscles were almost failing me that i had to hung on to her as we walk.
And finally on the bus back to her place we both fell asleep, hand-in-hand.=p

Yesterday was girls out with ewe, missy and jialing.
Lemme put down my highest record till date - 19th 1600hrs to 21st 0100hrs - i havent slept a wink.
So after wk i arrived at our kbox session at cine orchard.
I cant remember when was the last time i went to kbox!
It was nice chilling and listening to nice interesting songs i havent heard before.. the one which saddens me most is 无赖 - a song he wrote to charlene when they were together.
And i still love Eason's songs so much!

Then was catch up session at coffee bean.
BGRs, Marriage, Life and gossips abt peeps we know/dun know.
As usual, ewe was the pillar of topics.
With her around, we never ran out of things to talk.
Which was really a nice and warm feeling. =)
I miss her alot besides her haunting me on the pretext of caring for me =p
She checks on me like every once in awhile to make sure im not abt to faint; she holds on to me while we walk; she checks on my new clothes before i made payment.
She's such an endearing mum. =)
11 yrs le huh..~
I never tot we wld be so close.
Despite the gap and time we missed out in each others' life, it literally dissolves whenever we meet.

Then we had dinner at the ramen restaurant opp ding tai fung at paragon and saw Freddie whom still recognized me! He actually bowed to me (ya.. i was sitting on the bench though)and said hello in my shocked state while i was trying to recollect who does this familiar face match to? =p

Bought some casual clothes and we had fun trying on and commenting in the changing room.
Saw peeps like Gerald and Bing da with their gf and wife... Hmmm.. interesting

Im not totally deprived k! Just dun get me started on the shopping mode. Just don't.

Nic just sent me a webbie of plays... and im starting to think if i should start watching some plays occasionally which we used to do so under sch's implemented curriculum.
It's good to watch sth different other than the movies and TVs at times! - but this time round prices arent subsidized. Huge hindrance to get my butt there! ^^

2010-02-08T18:17:00.002+08:00

I was halfway through talking about appraisals..
One of the leadership roles we are assuming right now after 1.5 yrs is appraising staff.
It's rather exciting.. (and larry popped into my mind.. lol. cos the definition of excitement being used here is puzzling..)

Some came to us.. nervous and uptight
Some came to us.. give up/withdrawn.. it's has been like this all these years.. i just wanna sign and get it over and done with
Some came.. with lots of complaints.. that's when our ears suffer a bit.. however at the same time hopefully we can learn sth from their perspectives and improve things in our minute ways.
Some came as friends cum good colleagues.. and we talked for a long while.

It has been a good experience.. meeting these battle mates whom we have communicated countless times over com sets but failed to meet or chat.

It's a little easier meeting the crane men..as we monitor and deal with them almost all the time.. and hence neglected the back end RTG/RMG guys.. unless they really impress us with the rate they work..

有了你以后，每一天都是一种挑战
很多事都要分裂的去想
数着不争吵的日子；
看着你的心会痛、会颤抖，呼吸也会痛。。
只因为讨厌你和爱你的理由相同
每一天只能不断地学着一点一点地去放开
希望自己能给你的是更广的天空和呼吸的自由
只能毫无条件地信任和相信而希望不被辜负

默默地陪着你。

希望你不再是一个人；
不再是有了等于没有；
而我的意义能让你的生命有所增值

2010-02-01T01:14:00.005+08:00

Why do people hurl hurting comments at each other?
Is it absolutely necessary?

No next time...
Swirls around in my head.

Never was a chance given for me to express my thoughts..
The more attempts at explaining, the more mistakes made;
Worse.
Has any patience been given for calm minds to communicate, confess and re-justify all these while?

You have tried hard
I truly meant it.
I'm not difficult.
You don't know..Thoughts that had (simply) passed through your mind but not redeemed in action are already enough... to touch me.
You think i am difficult.
But what i am asking for are just some basic expectations that barely meet many's requirement.
Uncertainties. Is a killer.

Thanks for constantly reminding my past
That's a punch in the face.
Past or semi-past?
One without his past will not make him who he is today.
Hence past definitely makes up what he is.
How he thinks constitute from the experience gained; from the likings/dislikings of someone else who exists in that semi-past.
I only did a very auto assessment of possible causal factors which are resulting in certain resultant reactions.
These supposed causal factors do not necessarily result in the results - but still worth contemplating.
In experiments, bad causal factors which led to bad resultant influence can be effectively eliminated.
Probably the anger in this case comes from the redundant contemplation.
The past cannot be deleted.
So why bother? Why the need to even have the thought?
I don't know.
Lack of confidence??
Insecure??
I really don't know.

Disrespectful...
Totally inapt for us. I feel.

I'm loved.
I know.
Many things cannot be left unsaid/unexpressed though.

There's no need to
You should know
I hate assumptions.
No 2 bodies can be on the same frequencies all the time.
Remember to give some allowance for discrepancies that might happen.
It will work wonders.

P/s I silently recall on the no. of times you said you are tired.
I felt my heart numbed.. i realized i had totally lost count on the number of times (do you used to be this tired as well.....?)
Each time you say, each time the sentence echoed louder to me.

Pp/s 只能无奈的趴在小睡熊
抱着它是我此时此刻唯一的安慰

Ppp/s 你话：过去是等着你和我携手一起去冲淡的
你会抓牢吗?

2010-01-27T23:47:00.006+08:00

从哪一天起，你踏出了那一步。
但怎么的，你却连快乐也没力气。
看在眼底，心很痛。
是该那么痛苦的吗？

不是简单的选择逃避；
只是，从被俘虏的那天开始决定不去想。
没有了，就连呼吸、活着的每一刻都痛。

这种坚定是你认为的天真/逃避吗?
这种坚定是你有的吗？

不是眼泪不听话。
只是之前受过的伤害重新再在有阴影的伤口上撒盐。

P/s 不要把过去的枷锁扣在下一个人身上。

2010-01-20T01:54:00.005+08:00

Contentment.
As i was taking the LRT home, it dawned on me how nice of a life i am leading now.
On my non-pms days (yes pls take note lest u wanna suffer..), the sky is generally blue and beautiful. =)
I no longer have exams.
I dun need to have my mind boggling over sch wk 16 hrs a day..
I have learnt enough to carry myself as an adult and venture out.
I am relieved.
I have a job.
One that doesnt pay me too low/too high; most importantly my personal time begins after i exit the gate.
I do not bring wk home.
I mean i try not to.
Most of the time i don't need to.
(Yes, gonna say this on 5 feb at NUS career fair..)
I truly love my job despite the ups and downs; the many pai si how pple ard.. but arent i one of them too?
My stand stands if u cant convince me otherwise.
I dunno if boss believe when i express this to him during appraisal (though i caught a glimpse of disbelief and maybe eye rolling..) but well it's not up to him to feel how i feel.

Appraisal came and past.. the 2nd one with him.
Although i detest the extra preparation wks to be done, but nevertheless, the short summing up of the yr with boss was rather pleasant.
Yes criticism i accept and shall look into making myself a better person in the eyes of others and of coz meeting their expectations.
No matter what, he is ur boss.. it doesnt matter if u agree/disagree with him all the time, but fact is he must have done sth right - real right to be ur boss..
So looking up to him is one thing.
Handling ur superiors TACTFULLY is one big challenge too.
Scoring high pm productivity - from 3.4 to 3.5 then 6/7 to 3.98;
(The 0.02 miss to 4 will be back to haunt me.)
I look to my ground staff scoring just like the days before the recession.
I truly believe it can be done.
Receiving recognition at the end of shift very much tells me i have correctly sacrificed my supper/building a brand to having the capability of doing what others perhaps cant/very simply, giving my value to my employer.
Hopefully i have turned from being a company's liability to asset.

I actually digressed so much..
Well, was saying besides from having a rather gd job for someone like me without super huge ambitions..
Time was well spent exploring different parts of cities near home and doing crazy things i have never done before.
Such as water parachuting and water skiing. =)
Every month there will be small pleasant-intended plannings.

Just met up with polizegang again.
The most stunning thing is the boy i have learnt to be always late, was the first to arrive.
OMG.
You know what that means?
Someone who has always been late since we know him.. beat everyone!
I feel everyone has grown bigger (in size!) except xiao di.
Well i hope another ten yrs would not lead us to shaking heads at each other.
The meet up was a slack and nua session.
Which was pretty comfy - snuggling myself onto the sofa and watching my show, stayed in my world while the rest played poker.
I was forced to play later on and was proven really bad at it.. so i gave a showhand and continued to watch my fu gui men.
Hee.. some curse and swear at the escapade but smart move.
I shall win the 10 bucks back at mj next time.

Steamboat after the standard NTUC shopping.
Of coz not to do without my standard sauce.. which was a screw up this time cos the chef was not me.. the boys squeezed in too much lime so the chili tasted rather bland. Hahah..
But we really had fun la.. the same old us messing muzzie's kitchen.. we are really quite efficient still.
Erjie and i also kept disturbing xiao di.
We informed him to save well and in any case we both are left unwanted by 30, he shall yang us.
Muahaha..
I rmb hearing erjie calling out from the kitchen for mel.. and he responded readily 'orh' and went to the kitchen to help.. while he was at his beloved lappie noe..
Not easy..
I wondered if my boy would be so readily awaiting on me lor..
Erjie 傻人有傻福喔。

We then had steamboat with his mum and they muse over how i could be captivated by almost any show that was screening on his tv..
Surprisingly we didnt really chat over what everyone is doing right now..
Everyone just settled in and gel tog so well.

Hence apart from the avoidable mood swings, quarrels and PMS-can't-help-it-days - i shall be contented with life. =)

保持心情漂亮，生活才有意义

2010-01-02T00:51:00.004+08:00

You can be on cloud 9 when you feel totally loved.
Complete bliss..

It can however be the worst double edged sword.
When you get slithered inside out, do not wallow in SELF PITY.

It's most unhonourable; most disgraced apart from being crushed.

p/s NYR - to hate self-sympathy.
pp/s However like most NYR - bound to fall short and come next yr it'll be top of the list again

Actually, I never bothered to have any anyway..

2009-12-22T14:58:00.002+08:00

Unappreciated.
The fear for kinship to boil down to monetary terms.
The dread for this bond to dwindle based on such arguments.
Bringing along the chain of vexation and many whys reflected upon.
It all came true.
So meaningless.

For all that i have done in the best of my means.
For all the considerations and contributions i have made.
For all the prompt effort.
I - am reduced to nothing but a fool.

It is time for me to realize whatever i have done/will do will be condemned as nonexistent - no matter what.
I reflected thoroughly.
I wanted to laugh.
Well, maybe the urge to cry.
But i will not allow myself to have 1 drop of tear wasted on such ingrate.
I puzzled over how all my efforts can be so oblivious - whether intended or not.

Hurt.
Totally.

P/s 1 day i shall walk away - hold ur breath n dun regret

2009-12-08T23:56:00.003+08:00

五年了。
谢谢你。
踏出来.
从前不曾多加珍惜的愉快聚会居然会在我生命里消失了五年。
*苦笑*

The dinner with Rogan and Vanessa at Grand Copthorne's was more than what i have hoped for.
It was fun and though only the 2nd time i have seen her, the gap was greatly closed compared to the awkwardness experienced during the first.
It was fun watching Rogan's sheepish look when he got smacked by all her sarcasm.
The dinner left me with a good reminiscing whirlpool effect.

There are just certain friends in life whom u have already lost touch yet remained alive and yearning in your memories.
一直牵挂着.
JR is definitely one of them.
I miss the time we spent searching for obscene stuffs underneath his mattress so that we can show it to JH and watch his ears get pulled.
The long hrs we spent chatting and gossiping on phone.
The vulgarities and despair shrieks i was so used to hearing him hurl whenever he gets dragged to the toilet by the boys.
And.. when i listen to 恋人未满 and watch my sassy girl and its canon in d.
I will always remember how he came to class bringing these cds and kept promoting how fantastic they were (of coz over how chio his selena is) followed by his generosity at lending out to us.
It's 5 yrs since we last spoke.
I wonder 他现在过得怎样?

My hair still reeks of the persistent chemical smell.
Major change over.
Taking more time and getting used to.
But it's fun to try out sth wild in life and catch yourself and everyone else off guard.

P/s a wave of sadness wash over as u pull away..
pp/s 值不值得：有了他，你是否还是一个人？

2009-12-02T15:32:00.002+08:00

哭也被骂；
笑也被骂；
毫无表情也被讲。
真是进退两难。

今天有一只坏乌龟又实践了以上的几幕。
一哭劈头就说：还哭！
而不是第一时间怜惜‘心疼地帮你拭去眼泪和懊恼惹得你哭了。有人想哭的吗？

一笑就恼羞地喊：还笑！
看着你笑，自己被嘲笑又有什么关系？

一-_-就被问罪：怎么对着你老是这样？！看了就sian
你也有咯。五十步笑百步。

这样的人我要记载他的恶劣才过瘾。

每个人都有梦想但我却活了这些年而连去探索寻找的勇气也没有。
唯一能想到的就是没在毕业后马上报名当老师。 (no offence)

我也有好多僮景却觉得他们好难实现.
我喜欢拼图.我想和心爱的人一同拼好多幅有趣生动的拼图然后挂满着主人房的墙.
洋溢着幸福的那种.
我想和他朝夕相对,吃饭看电影睡觉都好
每一分钟都在感受他的呼吸和沉稳的心跳
这一切都是可遇不可求的
在错的时候遇到对的人及在对的时候遇到错的人
到底哪一个比较可悲?

相夫教子
是平常不过的事
里头包含着伟大的及不容取代的爱.
如果能遇到一个让你这样的人而他也享受着,那该是多么沉醉的
可是太难了
有多少人可以这么做的原因在于这是条毕经的人生道路而并非他的心要这么做`只想这么做.
遇到的话放弃什么也可以
因为值得
反正念的书也差不多忘得七七八八了
没关系
^^

2009-11-24T00:31:00.004+08:00

"你的手是用来牵我的。”
你接过拎着的东西时说。
说的时候好像带着一种固执的及不容反抗的语调。
简简单单的几个字，却牵动莫名`踏实的感动。
那即含蓄即震撼的心悸仿佛是因这份说出口的诚恳而窝心。
当下除了笔墨难以形容的尽在不言中，还有想说的：
”谢谢你。真的，从来没有人那么对我说过"
附上心底微微的涟漪：我打从心里羡慕她 - 她有着你对她的无比关怀与爱护。
原来，她是那么幸福的。

p/s 你手心传来的温度总是给予一份安全的温暖。
从第一次开始。

2009-10-31T03:50:00.006+08:00

After a shagging standby day night off day day night cycle,
I thought finally;
I thought all was well.

I thought.

*************************************************************************************
Indulging in the newly bought Dave Wang's album.
His selected popular hits.
It's been ages since i spend money on an album.
This time i couldnt resist looking for these old songs to reminisce.

Did mani and pedi at nail@the lacquer shop.
Rather satisfied with their service~!

Went swimming cum suntanning followed by kite flying.
After the 3rd attempt, the kite is finally flying high.
Although it looked almost totally unwilling. Hah.
Most kites are quite obedient looking one leh..

Actually i dunno what im exactly raving about.
Just take it to be for record purposes.

Xiao di's 23rd Birthday aka 23rd Oct

2009-10-30T23:57:00.022+08:00

Courtesy of Mel's dad.. we have our portrait!

His expression looked like having been dragged to the toilet..

The blissful boy~

We forced the shy boy to make a wish.. and im not exactly sure what kind of pose is that..

His 23rd birthday cake - i chose!

Tada! The happy and touched (he must ok!) xiao di!

Erjie lighting the candles for our beloved xiao di

ErJie and I!

Forgot to pose 1 of us kissing!

The 2 gluttons! Actually not.. they started preparing/cooking the stuffs while erjie and i prepare the utensils. They are actually quite gentleman.. i guess 1 of them doesnt really have a choice.. *erhem* but xiao di is a real good bachelor~ Erjie and i decided to make fun of him =p we interrogated him and asked if erjie and i were available, would we be in his circle of consideration and the comical boy actually answered yes. hahaha.. we were rather pls cos we think he has high standard and concluded that a boy whom hasnt had gf thru out shld be damn rich now.. muahahah. the crazy girl kept trying hard to play match make.. but despite how gd he is, he will always be my xiao di.. a special fren whom i rmb us to be sitting by compass's floor and chatted non-stop abt anything under the sun and someone i knew whom will always be there. We just wan him to bring us his gf one day!
I must also thank mel whom solved my plaguing PC prob promptly despite facing some obstacles. i didnt even have to remind..
10 yrs from then i surely didnt know i have these group of friends whom i can walk with.

The steamboat fiesta after our mahjong exercise! I have always loved steamboats with loved ones. I love the preparations! And a comfort with these decade friends is that we still hold steamboat gatherings yearly - of coz someone bangseh us and HE PROMISED TO MAKE UP ONE BY END OF THE YR

Bought this score simply coz of 1 song - 男人女人. The last piano book i bought is easily 8 yrs ago.

She's sleepyhead. Adorable isnt it? =p

2009-10-30T23:06:00.007+08:00

你说有没有可能我和他有着一份契约，用一年的时间到外面探索，看有没有一个更适合彼此的人？
我不想到我老的那一天，后悔自己从来没有过别的选择。
要是时间到了，而我们并没有找到，我知道我能放心地和他一起走下去。

曾几何时，自己不是没有这么想过。
而事实也证明，更本没这个必要。
如果，你是开心的；
如果，你是满足的；
This evil thought wouldnt creep on your mind.

你可以说是对彼此的公平。
你也希望他能找到对的人啊！
但是，如果你不能没有他的话，你能够冒这个险吗?
这个契约根本无法担保未来。
没有任何契约能够。
I can only say 'don't try'.. unless you can afford to do without this person/this is the last straw and only chance you can apply to him/her。
Things will never be the same again.

有一些人把爱情当武器。
精打细算如何对自己有利。
人与人之间的相处需要这样复杂吗？
和你最亲密的人有着这种城府，究竟有谁做得到？

爸爸对我说：只要他不让你哭。
我想好难。
记忆当中，有过不曾让我落泪的人。
我知道自己是被爱的。
但我并不是很开心。
总觉得单一的爱情不是自己想要的。
无法使我付出的爱情，我也不要。
错过一次也就够了。
我不想重遇同样的案例，再重复同样地结局。
有些人一直追寻着同类的伴侣，却一直重蹈复辙。
我不要。
如果他无法惹你伤心而哭泣，那他就无法给予你对比的快乐。
如果他无法令你魂不守舍，或许他在你心目中的分量不够；或许你对他已经麻木。

其实，我很简单的。
我只想和自己喜欢的人相爱。
没什么要求的。
只要对我的坚定、尊重与专一。
可是这些却是很难的。
是始料未及的难；没有人能理解的难。

如今我很怕哭。
更讨厌不请自来的眼泪。
总显得很懦弱。
因为十分清楚 -
当一个女人的眼泪，无法让她的男人心软，这段爱情就得宣判死刑。

所以，如果在意他的话，女人要在对的时候装无知和大方。
否则知道了也是徒然。
不知道这样算不算是没有自尊。
如果不是，大概也不算是爱情。
或许要等到伤痕累累、狼狈不堪的那一天，才能宣告放弃。

2009-10-19T00:04:00.004+08:00

Shall commemorate this day.
The all-year round silent dad came into my room for those erm.. 'funny, awkward etc' conversations.
First he claimed that as he swept my room for the past 3 wks, he noticed the phenomenon of an increasing hair loss.
It puzzled me awhile and he took out a bottle of supplement i bought from GNC to hopefully aid in raising metabolism rate..
A big hoo-ha they thought i was into slimming and hence the hair loss.
I think i barely ate 5 pills max out of the 60 tablets.
Walau must be more careful with combing my hair now. ='(

Then he u-turned and asked if i happened to be threatened by anyone with my X-rated photos.
Fantastic imaginations. I must say.
If i were drinking water then my pc would most likely crash.
The reason for his query - i looked miserable and they caught me in those sad moments la..
*Suspecting he's jealous* he said he didnt even see me in this state for him before.
What rubbish lo.

As he served me his advices, i listened with care.
I know it is often almost easy for anyone to attempt with good-intentional advices.
Despite their pain-stakingly efforts to knock some good sense into you, it just wont work out entirely the way they would want their guidelines to be adapted.
Often these soundings would be rejected unknowingly simply because - you do not know what i am going through. You are not me.
It then seems like good logical advocacy fell on deaf ear.
However it isnt so as the listener would analyze and ultimately conclude these suggestions as unfit for conformation as these 'common sense answers' are supposedly templates not apt for one's situation.. coz his/her particular situation is unique to each individual. There will be needs for modifications before considering these as suitable versions for themselves.
And the modifications then come from (again) one's very own resolutions which others had already reckoned as an astray path.
Eventually, perhaps only at the end of the episode, then can one cease to struggle and be enlightened with some realization from the closure followed by the aftermath.
But question is, how easy can that be?
(Concern appreciated~)

It is definitely uncontrollably, unfathomably painful and complex.

P/s Obstinate-ness eradicates every bit of you.

2009-10-12T12:10:00.003+08:00

Been eating quite some good food since last sunday granny's dinner at Jing.
Followed by a gathering after a super duper tiring shift at sush* t*i with kelvin, goo, siang and tai.
It was a gathering delayed for half a yr ever since the bonuses were out in april hence it was planned on this day.
It was pretty alright.. talking about wk and some insights to their rosters/ground gossips etc.
We ordered several plates of sashimi, some ala carte dishes and a super huge spicy hotpot.
Food was alright - not as fantastic but i wasnt sure what exactly was missing though.
Maybe it's the company.
However the bond with them would be those unmentioned ones like counterparts you could count on in a fight.

Last night was bro's bdae celebration at PG.
The dishes dad ordered were rather generous - peking duck, double boiled shark bone's soup, salty egg prawns, sea perch in plum sauce and lobster with longevity noodles.
I finally could conclude the bosses are practical pple.
For the times i was there ordering not so exotic food they wont even bother coming over to greet you and change your dishes personally but this time round, 2 of time actually come by twice.
I thought that was an unwanted attitude.

After that went kite flying or rather watching! Hee.. but gonna try somemore! Cos the kite with an innocent face refused to fly up high!! We ended up with lots of mosquito bites!

Next wk will be the long awaited steamboat gathering at mel's place hope there wont be anymore plan change!

1 hr to seeing the dentist *trembles*

P/s wo xi huan da feng yin wei ta ke yi rang bu ting hua de yan lei si diao

2009-10-06T16:30:00.003+08:00

Totally heart FM 88.3 to bits.
They play songs that i could indulge into - 99.9% of the times i tuned in~!
Not to mention the times it accompanied me on baby~

Just took some pics with a SLR cam..
It's been so long!
And clicking on it is sooo fun!
=p

The last night shift with timo as my soc 5 and johnny as my soc 4 made me laughed my head off.
It's just the right combi cos i couldnt imagine timo with uncle low.. it wouldnt be that hilarious.
I havent had a fren whom is as fat as timo and still constantly craves eating ice cream in town.
He looks like a all pumped up hot air balloon.
But don't get me wrong.. i dun discriminate him.
He is damn cute and funny.

Timo: *humming some silly weird lullaby song*
Johnny: how old are you liao?
Timo: *In a subtle low voice* Not yet 40 loh.

*background knowledge - timo is 20++ johnny's 40*

That was a powerful one cos that entirely shuts the teaser up and i nearly rolled onto the floor upon hearing that KO statement and seeing the look on johnny's face.

Seriously couldnt stand him. I thought i had lost some grams from the laughing exercises i had that night.

The other day i saw a pretty girl at a station and i thought upon first look she is pretty.
She was carrying a transparent bag - which would naturally prompt anyone to glance.
Unfortunately, there was a green marlboro lying amongst her other girly belongings.
It was an ultimate turn off immediately.
What a pity.
She was such a dear thing.
Which prompts me to think what's the catch in those sticks?
Would i love it too if i try?
If i dare to try?

Granny's 82nd birthday at Jing @ one fullerton.
It was fine dining style.
Not too bad really - both the food and atmosphere.
I love their porcelain candle holder which could be used as aromatherapy too i think.
A rather interesting meet-up with the usual BGR topics.

P/s huo zhe bu neng jian dan yi dian ma?

2009-09-22T10:51:00.003+08:00

I dread people asking me what do i usually do during my free time.
First reaction: stunned.
Followed by a long thinking through..
Actually.. nothing.
ROT.
Then the person would try to help salvage the awkward silence and my contemplating look on how to answer the question, by suggesting: movies? shopping?
What else?
Basically boring.
Life is like that here.. but nothing to be sad about.
Simple is bliss and treasure endowed health.. then you can enjoy love and life. =)

Life has been a routine.. rest after hectic stressful 12 hrs of wk.. (there are much touching and extremely rewarding moments too) followed by looking forward to your rest days and then the cycle repeats itself again.
I'm not turned off by routines.. i pretty much like being in my comfort zone (which is bad).. routines soothe my soul~
They are routines because they are what i like doing to begin with.

Came to realise.. (a little too late) albeit the usual quote: prevention is better than cure..
Of course the awareness came from my sudden deterioration in face condition.. which ended with me burning more notes than i ought to have.
So.. then i came to derive a checklist of prevention cum excuses to shop necessarily. That is to combat against time!
1) Eyes cream serum.. (to prevent upcoming potential fearful wrinkles - 25! the age to be wary of! - use of anti- aging products)
2) Masks.. i'm gonna store plenty of masks! Say.. purifying ones, hydrating, whitening, anti - aging ones (from SK2) next time.
3) Clothes.. there's always a missing piece in a girl's closet.. this item seems like it has nothing got to do with 'prevention' but think again.. u have to dress nice and look good when you are still capable of doing so. Pamper yourself and leave some good comforting memories when you grow old. ^^
You get the drift.

P/s Will someone play Cannon in D for me and touched me on that day?

2009-09-17T15:39:00.004+08:00

I hate fights.

It's worst if i don't see it coming;
It's awful to end the day this way;
It's rotten to be accused and not knowing the reason to it;
It's stupid (and makes me boil even more) to be told 'nothing' when obviously there is sth luring around - it makes me feel extremely patronized;

It just sucks to fight and there comes the sleepless night..

Why can't fights be put to a halt with a nice bear hug to tell you it's ok; it's over etc?
I could think of 1000 ways to end one -
1. That wasn't an issue
2. Sorry, it's my fault i shouldn't have behaved that way..
3. Sorry, i didn't mean to hurt you

But don't just leave me standing like that and attempt to walk away.

I don't like to bury hachets in an anyhow manners too.. that seems too haphazard to solve anything.. and you won't want the same argument to arise again.

I don't opt for huge temper-throwing kinda fights too.

If there is any disagreement you need to voice out, say it out bravely and reasonably. I would listen.

I'm sure most right-minded people would accept it and even apologise to u instead.

I hate being told nothing with an unhappy face because that leaves me all the more puzzled and not knowing how to resolve the whole episode!

Then follow the frightened stage - the uncertainties of your thoughts and your falling vulnerability to those disgusting sticks!

In general, im a rather simple person.. i don't tend to bear grudges (only to people whom i really dislike greatly);
I dislike bringing forward unhappiness/unresolved problems to the next day;
I dislike my loved ones/people whom meant alot to me being upset with me.

I am very manageable.. just be reasonable.
And if you are my loved ones, i hope magnanimous (esp during that week of the mth); always be there for me (not a mailbox voice); be gentle and nice to me.
Most importantly, don't make me repeat issues that i have highlighted plenty of times and let me live in fear and uncertainties.

p/s will anyone love me unconditionally?
pp/s will anyone take away my tears and replace them with only laughters and joy?

Perhaps.. princes in fairytales

2009-09-12T23:31:00.005+08:00

Fatique.
I muse over how it can drain one away and the sense of self satisfaction over a somewhat alright (of course excluding some unpleasant occurrences) day/work could infuse suffice energy into the over-exerted withins.
Always believed a strong mental is capable of getting one going very far.
It's the belief.
The ability to do it is up to you to think that you can.. and naturally you will source for ways to achieve it.
Am ashamed i don't have that motivation or strength to think so (as much as i would like to).

Anyway, feels great being back at home ground again.
You will never know how at ease it is to be 'at home' with mates you could count on, till you were being thrown out/stranded. Away from your comfort zone.
You feel so tied up and handicapped.
People do not trust you/respect your decision. Simply because of your lack of background knowledge there.
Self-worthiness plunged to one of its all time low - disintegrated like half-life and hoping one day you can work (*backwards) to its initial value again.
Pathetic.
The every minute/taken for granted knowledge you possessed and tapped into each day is once again put to test in a different environment.
It feels like walking and wanting to run but wobbles with each step taken. Finally you decided - perhaps i should do some warming up before regaining my ability to run.
Hoping your coach and teammates would give you some time before that day comes, but you are no longer given that privilege.
'No excuse' or the shooting of that 'i can't believe you didn't know' kinda accusing looks.
You, simply will not be easily forgiven.
Nevertheless, shall not be too hard on myself. All's good as long as a day's passed happy and worthy.

Was cleaning up my barangs and to my horrors, my lash curler has a pile of my eye lashes stuck on it.
WTH.
I am so.. so.. so.. grief-strickened lor.

Went to DRX again and half way through the treatment, the therapist asked if i was 18.
I was appalled but at the same time flattered.
I didn't know if i should joyfully agree (with some guilt) or correct her (i was supposed to look like 3*, remember? =p)
Decided to try out and told her i'm actually 21.
She was super stunned and bewildered, her eyes were wide opened and was going ga-ga over how she couldnt tell.
Thanks.
A momentary compliment and thereafter of course i wasnt too pleased. Duh.
And.. and she claims i have raging hormones and still in puberty.
PUBERTY???!!!
What's this freaking foreign word??!!
To give a little benefit of the doubt, probably a tiny chance of its remnants/traces of what refuses to subside la.. but me puberty?
I don't reckon so.
That's for adolescent!

p/s Sometimes i wish i could wipe that subtle, inscrutable look off your mask..

Back..

2009-09-05T00:18:00.005+08:00

Didnt mean to be away, but had to.
4 yrs of memories intact and kept away.
Taking my steps to embark on a new journey.. back at square 1.. in search of sanity and focus.

Who and where to seek reliablity and dependence?
Is it still possible to give the most transparent side of you to someone else?

"Ni hen dong wo ma?"
Jian jian dan dan de ji ge zi, jing ran..
Ke yi ba wo wen de ya kou wu yan..

Shaken.

A blatant, poigant question made up of seemingly harmless words slashes through me in an instance.

Where do i begin now?

******************************

On a lighter note, life has been mundane and as usual has its ups and downs.. kind of miss academic stuffs like teaching the kids and tapping in some intellectually stimulating resource.
Felt like i have lost my ability to think and digest.
Miss the satisfaction in solving maths.
In anyway, Knowledge (or rather money?) empowers one, isnt it?

No major plans as of yet..
A little scary to think that i'm approaching 24 which interprets to be half of one's precious 20s.
Nil/Lack of/little accomplishment.
Lol.
We'll see how things go.

p/s
It's unnerving - i have no dreams and dare not to dream.
All because.. those that i used to have were silently gone with the winds.

pp/s *Will you hug & sing to me under the moonlight and kiss me in the rain?*